Scars
by Adolphaxxx
Summary: Zosia has a secret she doesn't want anyone else or know, but that is killing her slowly from the inside. When someone finds out about it and offers to help, will she let them or will she push them away? WARNINGS INSIDE
1. Chapter 1

CHAPTER 1

**Okay, so this is going to be a rather long authors note, but please read it. **

**So first of all, I wasn't sure what to rate this story. There aren't really many Holby City stories about this subject, so I didn't really have much to base it on. So yeah, I apologise if you think I've got the rating wrong. Feel free to let me know. **

**Secondly, this story deals with some difficult subjects, mainly self harm, but quite possibly eating disorders later on. So if you feel you will be triggered by this, please don't read.**

**Also, there is some bad language in here. Sorry if that offends anyone, but consider yourselves warned. XD **

**Last, I apologise if this story seems disjointed in any way. It's really just me trying to gain some measure of control over myself. I've just found the first couple of chapters of this, and after relapsing after almost a month clean, I thought I'd write some more. I've got seven chapters written so far, all of which I'll put up tonight for you. I'll admit, I'm not sure if I'll finish this or not, or even where it's going, but I needed to vent, and I thought I'd share it with you all. Constructive criticism is still more than welcome. Also, I apologise if the characters seem out if character in any way, but once again, I was just venting. **

**Anyway, I think that's enough of me going on. So from hereon in, I'll try to leave you to it. XD **

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Finally she'd managed to get a break. She had been due one two hours ago, but an emergency had come in from the ED, and Sacha had dragged her into theatre to assist. As soon as they were finished, Zosia had run straight into the toilets and locked herself in a cubicle.

She sat on the toilet seat, and pulled a small piece of tissue out of her pocket. Taking deep breaths, she tried to calm herself down. She had about 15 minutes before anyone started to wonder where she was, and that was plenty of time for what she had to do. She started to unroll the tissue, and in the middle, carefully wrapped up was her razor blade. She picked it up, and rolled up her left sleeve. The long sleeves hid dozens of scars, from her elbow down to her wrist. And dotted amongst the old scars, new cuts, bright red against her pale skin. Zosia placed the blade against her arm, and pulled it sharply towards her. As the blade sliced through her skin, she could feel herself start to relax. In the moment of serenity that followed, she forgot about everything that had happened that day. Guy trying once again to justify what happened with her mother, Sacha forcing her into theatre, Serena having a go because she forgot to update a drugs chart.

Just thinking about her day made Zosia feel so much worse, and each new cut got progressively deeper.

"Shit!" Zosia whispered to herself as she clamped a hand over the last, and deepest, cut she made. There were bandages in her locker, but she could hardly go back onto the ward like this. What if someone noticed?

After a few minutes, Zosia decided she would have to risk it. She pulled a large pile of toilet roll off the holder, pressed it to her arm and the rolled down her sleeve. Standing up and taking yet another deep breath, Zosia walked out of the cubicle and onto the ward.


	2. Chapter 2

CHAPTER 2

Zosia searched through her locker until she found a bandage. She stuffed it in her pocket and, after weighing up her options, she ran to the on call room and locked the door. Zosia cleaned up her arm and bandaged it, hoping she wasn't going to need stitches. She took some deep breaths to try and calm herself, then went back onto the ward.

"Ah, Dr March, how good of you to grace us with your presence." Zosia sighed and turned to see Serena walking towards her.

"I'm sorry Ms Campbell, I was just..." The consultant cut her off.

"It doesn't matter. Bed 3, Dr Copeland will fill you in. Go on!" Zosia turned and went to find Dom, considering how many pointless and mind numbing tasks Serena could make her do for annoying her twice in one shift. She looked at the clock, 3 hours of her shift still left. Great, she thought, 3 hours of bloods and bedpans.

"Unfortunately Mr Davies, it looks like appendicitis. We'll put you on strong antibiotics tonight, and we'll review you again tomorrow. On a better point, it look like we'll be able to avoid surgery. I'll ask one of our junior doctors to come and answer any questions you may have." Serena smiled and turned around.

"Dr March, over here please." Serena was still a little annoyed with the F1. She'd messed up several drug charts earlier in the day, and then she'd disappeared off the ward. But as Zosia walked over, Serena noticed something on her arm. "Actually, Dr March, will you go and wait in my office please. Dr Digby, will you come and answer Mr Davies' questions."

Zosia walked into the consultants office and closed the door. What had she done now? She jumped as the door swung inwards and Serena walked in. She shut the door gently and sat down at her desk.

"Dr March, would you mind explaining why your arm is covered in blood?"


	3. Chapter 3

CHAPTER 3

Zosia started to panic. She looked down at her arm and, sure enough, blood had started to seep through her top. She looked up to see Serena staring at her. "I, umm... It was from before... I was changing a patients dressing and, umm, well, I..." Zosia stumbled over her words.

Serena was confused. She had expected Zosia to get worked up, to go on about how it was her fault for giving her a difficult patient like she normally did. But this wasn't what Zosia was normally like. She seemed nervous, scared even. Serena couldn't work out why. She looked back at Zosia's arm, trying to work out where the blood could have come from. But then she realised something. The dark patch was bigger now than it was before.

Zosia noticed Serena's brow furrow in concern. She followed her line of sight, and noticed the consultant was staring at her arm. Zosia quickly hid it behind her. She took a deep breath and tried to convince Serena there was nothing wrong. "I was trying to cannulate a patient before, but she moved and the needle slipped. I didn't notice that I'd got covered in blood. I'll go and change, if that's okay?"

For a few seconds, Serena believed the F1. But then she remembered something. "That's interesting. Before, you said that you were changing a patients dressing, but just then, you said you were putting in a cannula." She watched Zosia's eyes widen, and continued before she could say anything. "And, if I'm honest, I'm not sure that I believe either. There's more blood there now than there was before." She paused as she saw the young doctor tense, and her breathing become more rapid. She was panicking, that much was obvious. Serena tried to look more friendly, and her voice softened as she began speaking again. "Zosia, why don't you sit down and explain?"

"I, umm, I need to go. Dom wanted my help, and he's going to wonder where I've got to." And with that, the now shaking Dr March hurried out of the office, slamming the door behind her. Serena leant on the desk, head in hands, wondering what she should do.


	4. Chapter 4

CHAPTER 4

As soon as she got out of the office, Zosia ran to her locker and pulled out a new top and her small first aid kit. Then she locked herself in a cubicle in the toilets. She rolled up the sleeves of her now ruined top, and slowly started unwrapping the bandage. She winced as the air hit the cuts. A couple were fine, but the rest were oozing blood, one quite a lot. She started to look through the first aid kit. Stitches were what she needed, but she couldn't do them with just one hand. Instead, she dug out some paper stitches. They weren't perfect, but they'd do. Ripping off some toilet paper, she started to clean up the cuts again. She was about to start placing paper stitches when she heard someone open the door to the toilets. "Zosia, are you in here?"

Serena was worried. She decided she had to speak to Zosia again, so she went onto the ward to try and find Dr Copeland, that was who Zosia had said she was going to meet. But when Serena spoke to him, he said that he hadn't seen Zosia. So Serena went to look for her. She had tried the locker room, the staff room and the on call room, but no luck. So, after a bit of thought, she started on the toilets.

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**Sorry, that was a tiny chapter! The next ones are longer though. **


	5. Chapter 5

CHAPTER 5

Zosia quickly ran through her options. One, she could sit and ignore Serena. She doubted that would work, Serena was very stubborn. Two, she could finish off patching up her arm and then go and face her. That was also unlikely to work, because it would take a while, and Serena would get suspicious. Three, quickly change her top, shove her first aid kit back in her pocket and then pretend nothing was wrong. No, that would still take too long. Four...

"Zosia, I know that's you. Why don't you come out and talk to me?" Shit, Zosia thought. Serena sounded worried. There was no way she would leave her alone over this. She took a deep breath before replying, hoping her voice would stay strong. "I'm fine Serena. I'll be back on the ward in a minute."

Serena held back a sigh. She knew that Zosia was lying, she just didn't know why. But rather than being angry about being lied to, she was worried. "Zosia, I want to talk to you, will you come out please?"

Whilst Serena was talking, Zosia had put an elasticated bandage round her arm to try and stop the bleeding (it was quicker than putting on a normal bandage, but not as effective), and changed her top. She gathered up all her first aid things and put them in her pockets, then steeled herself to open the door.

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**Okay, so I may have told you a slight lie about this chapter being longer. please accept thees cyber cookies as an apology. XD **


	6. Chapter 6

CHAPTER 6

Serena was getting rather worried about Zosia as she hadn't said anything for a while. But before she could voice her concerns, she heard the cubicle door open and watched as Zosia walked out as if nothing had happened. Before Serena could talk to her, Zosia walked straight past her and out onto the ward.

Zosia all but ran to her locker. She wanted to get rid of her first aid kit and her bloody top before she dealt with Serena. She finally got to her locker, practically slamming the door of the changing room shut behind her. She wrenched open her locker and deposited her top and the contents of her pockets in it, swinging it shut just as Serena walked through the door.

Serena closed the door gently behind her. She considered locking it, so that Zosia had to talk to her, but she didn't want the young doctor to feel trapped. She heard a bang as Zosia's locker closed. "Dr March, go you think you could tell me why it was necessary for you to run through the ward instead of just answering my questions? I don't know if you're aware, but it isn't easy running after someone whilst you're wearing heels like these."

"I didn't ask you to follow me," Zosia mumbled as she sat down on a bench. Serena sighed and went to sit next to her. "I know, but I'm worried about you Zosia, I want to help."

Zosia smirked and huffed out a small, sarcastic laugh. "I've heard that enough times to know that it isn't true." She looked down at the floor, missing the sad shake of Serena's head at her words. "Trust me, Zosia, I want to help you. And I will, no matter what." Serena reached out and laid a hand on Zosia's arm in what was supposed to be a comforting gesture. However, she had managed to place it on top of one of the deeper cuts. Zosia winced, then quickly pulled her arm away and held it against her body.

Serena wasn't sure what had happened at first, but then she remembered how the large patch of blood on Zosia's arm seemed to be growing earlier. She looked down at her hand to see her fingers coated in a thin later of blood. She drew in a sharp breath. "Zosia, you're bleeding."


	7. Chapter 7

CHAPTER 7

**Okay guys, so this is probably going to be the last chapter of the night (depending on if I can sleep or not). So I hope you're liking the story so far. As I said at the beginning, I may or may not continue with this story. Also, I apologise for any mistakes in this chapter. It's 2:45 in the morning now, and it was probably 2:30 when I finished this chapter, so my head isn't quite working. Although, I think I'll try, I quite like where it's going. Anyway, enough of me, here's the next chapter. **

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Serena watched Zosia's eyes widen, but at what, Serena didn't know. It could have been at the fact she was bleeding, or the fact that Serena knew about it. "Zosia, please. I want to help. Let me see what you've done."

Zosia was terrified. Serena wasn't going to let this go. As soon as she saw, she would kick Zosia off the ward for sure. Then she'd fail this rotation, and have to take the whole year again. But there was a small voice in the back of Zosia's head saying that maybe Serena would help. Maybe she could help to stop all this pain. So against her better judgement, she pulled her arm away from her body, and lay it across her knees.

Serena was somewhat shocked by Zosia's willingness to let her help, busy she wasn't going to say anything, in fear of scaring her off. She moved very slowly, so as not to take the young woman by surprise. Zosia had her arm lay across her knees, with her forearm pointing up. Serena could see a dark red patch forming, a vivid contrast against the pale blue top. She reached out and picked up Zosia's arm, feeling her tense at the contact. She rolled up her sleeve to reveal a white bandage covering most of her forearm. As she made to remove the bandage, she felt Zosia's breathing speed up, and she felt her arm start to shake. Serena murmured quiet words of comfort to calm her down. She gently pulled the bandage over Zosia's forearm and off her hand, setting it down next to her on the bench. She looked at Zosia's arm, and had to stifle a gasp as she saw angry red gashes, some still filled with small lakes of crimson. As she looked further at Zosia's arm, she could see the rest of her pale forearm was covered in long scars, all at varying stages of healing. She looked up at the young woman, seeing her in a whole different light. "Why, Zosia?"


	8. Chapter 8

**A/N: I'm back! XD I'm sorry for leaving this story for so long. I just couldn't think of how to continue it. This chapter may seem a little weird, and I apologize if it does, but I think that any of you who have been through this will understand, once you start talking about this, it is really hard to stop. Anyway, I'm going to try and update this more often, I'll try and aim for a chapter a week, but no promises. Reviews would be great, and any ideas you have for how this can go forward are more than welcome. Have a good week! XD **

After a few moments of silence, Serena decided that the questions could wait until after she had dealt with the immediate problem of the still bleeding cuts. After a moments consideration, she decided on what she thought to be the best plan of action. "Zosia, some of these need stitches. Let's go back to my office and I can sort them out, okay?" Serena spoke quietly, trying to calm the young doctor down. At first, Zosia didn't respond, but then have an almost imperceptible nod, which Serena nearly missed. "Okay, well if I go and get what I need to sort out your arm, will you make it to my office, or will you disappear?" Serena could see Zosia thinking about her options, and sighed. "Come on, we'll go together." She stood and walked towards the door, watching Zosia follow slowly.

As they entered her office, Serena closed the door, and this time, she decided to lock it. Not only because she wanted answers, but also because she didn't want anyone walking in on them. It was obvious that Zosia wasn't up to talking, so Serena sat her down and pulled a chair opposite her. As gently as she could, she rolled up the young doctors sleeve and took another look at her arm. There were layers of cuts and scars which revealed years of pain. Serena took a deep breath and forced herself to calm down. She had to deal with the open cuts and stop the bleeding before she could comfort the broken woman before her.

Zosia was terrified. She had no idea why she had shown Serena what she had done to herself. She glanced up at the consultant, and saw her busying herself with cleaning her arm and getting ready to stitch up the deeper cuts. She was confused. Where she expected to see disgust and hate, she saw pity. So, for a reason she wasn't sure of, Zosia began to talk.

"I was 14, the first time. I can't remember exactly what made me think it would be a good idea, but I can remember why. I never had many friends, even then. People just don't seem to like me. That year, at school, it got worse. It went from people ignoring me, to my life being made hell. I was bullied. Relentlessly. So when I got home one night, I just snapped. I trashed my room, throwing things about, hitting everything I could. I hit my mirror, and smashed it. The next thing I remember, I was sat on the floor with a piece of it in my hand, and blood running down my arm. I was calm, I could think clearly. It was wonderful. I've tried to stop, so many times. But I always start again. I was 17, I'd been clean for 3 months, when some girl at school saw my scars. She laughed and told all her friends. By the next day, the whole school knew about it. By the end of the week, I'd got so fed up of people telling me to 'just go and kill myself' that I did. Or I tried at least. Colette found me.y dad had found out that him and Mama had to work all night, and he'd sent Colette round to keep an eye on me. She stitched me up, and I made her promise not to tell anyone about it. She agreed, as long as I told Mama about the bullying." Zosia paused as a mug was held in front of her face. She suddenly noticed that Serena had finished her stitches and had bandaged up her arms. She took a long drink out of the mug, the hot tea burning her throat as she swallowed.

Serena sat back down opposite the young doctor. She hadn't said anything, as she didn't want to frighten Zosia, or stop her talking, however she felt like she should do something to try and comfort her. So she had made tea. Old, but effective. After a few seconds, Zosia continued.

"I kept trying to stop, but it was just too hard. I'd be clean for a few days, weeks even, then something would happen and I'd be back to square 1. The longest I was clean was 4 months and 2 weeks. Then Mama died. It was hard, coping with the pressure of medical school, and then after that... I haven't been clean since."


	9. Chapter 9

**A/N: I am so sorry! I seem to be saying that quite a lot actually. I honestly was going to update last weekend, but, well long story short, a minor breakdown and quite a large relapse. But things are getting better now, and I remembered about this, so here's your next update!**

The office was silent for several minutes as Serena processed everything that Zosia had said. It was obvious the young doctor needed help, but Serena didn't know how to deal with this situation. Then something Zosia had said gave her an idea. "Zosia, you need help, I'm sure you can see that for yourself. Would you like me to find Collette for you?" After what seemed like a lot of consideration, Zosia gave a small nod. "Okay, stay here, I'll be back soon." Serena stood and had just reached the door when she heard Zosia.

"Stay, please." She didn't know why she said it. If she was being honest with herself, she didn't know why she had told Serena anything. But all she knew now was that she didn't want to be alone. Serena turned round to look at her in confusion. Zosia took a deep breath and tried again. "Please don't leave me on my own, I…" A choked sob interrupted her, and she stopped speaking so she had a chance to compose herself. She wasn't going to break down in front of the consultant, she wouldn't let herself.

Serena sighed in understanding and shook her head at her own stupidity. Of course she shouldn't leave Zosia on her own. She walked over to the young woman and put a hand on her shoulder in a comforting gesture. "I'm sorry Zosia, I wasn't thinking properly. I'll ring AAU and see if she's there." Serena went over to her desk and sat down as she picked up her phone and rang AAU, all the time studying Zosia. It was obvious she was trying to hold it together, but Serena could tell she wasn't going to manage for much longer. Her thoughts were interrupted by a voice from the phone. "Ah Mr DiLucca, it's Ms Campbell here … No, nothing's wrong, I was just wondering if Collette was down there ... Ah, well if she's not too busy, could you tell her I'd like to speak to her please … Yes now … My office … Alright, thank you Raf. Goodbye." Serena put the phone down and then turned to see Zosia watching her. "Collette will be here soon. In the meantime, do you want another drink?" Not even waiting for an answer, Serena walked over to the kettle she kept in her office and made Zosia another cup of tea.


	10. Chapter 10

**A/N: Second update of the night! The last one was a lot shorter than I'd intended, and I haven't updated in a while, so I thought I'd give you another. :D**

Collette sighed as she made her way up to Keller. They were rushed off their feet on AAU, and she was now having to spend her break running round the hospital after being summoned by Serena Campbell. She got to Serena's office, and being in too much of a bad mood to knock, she grabbed hold of the door handle and swung the door open. Or that was what she had planned to do anyway. She hadn't counted on Serena's door being locked, and so had walked into it. Quite forcefully.

Serena and Zosia were both startled by a rather loud thud. Serena walked over to the door and opened it to find a rather irate Collette stood a few paces away from the door holding her nose. Serena stifled a laugh and stepped aside so the nurse could enter her office. After a couple of deep breaths to compose herself, she schooled her expression into a more serious one, and then closed and locked the door once more. She returned to her seat behind her desk and gestured for Collette to take the seat in front of her desk which Zosia had vacated a few minutes earlier for a comfier seat in the corner of the room.

When it became clear Serena was not going to say anything, Collette decided to start the conversation herself. She had a lot of things to do, so sitting around playing stupid politics with Serena was not a priority of hers. "What did you want Serena? I'm really quite busy at the moment." The consultant sat up straight in her chair and it seemed to Collette that she was thinking very hard over how to say something. Serena then looked at her and made a pointed glance towards the back corner of the office. Collette gave a confused glance to Serena, and then turned to look at the back corner of the room. What she saw confused her even more. "Zosia, what's going on? Are you alright?"

Zosia had been sat as quietly as she could, trying not to draw attention to herself. She was now regretting everything she'd said and done over the past few hours. As Collette turned round, she had to fight the urge to run out of the office as fast as she could. She tried to calm herself down by taking deep breaths as Collette started to talk again. "Zosia, what's up? Are you okay?" She looked to Serena for help, unsure of what to say.

Serena took pity on the young doctor and decided to explain to Collette what had happened. "Zosia has told me that you know she had problems in the past with self-harm. Well it seems like those problems have returned. Now don't worry, physically she's fine, I've taken care of that, but we've both agreed that she needs some support. I'm more than happy to help her, but I thought she might be more comfortable talking to someone she knows better."

Collette felt her stomach drop as she listened to Serena. She thought Zosia had managed to overcome this a long time ago. She turned to see the young doctor start sobbing. Without hesitation, Collette jumped up and ran over to her. She put her arms around Zosia, rubbing her back and murmuring softly in an effort to calm her. It took a few minutes, but eventually she sat back up, the sobs dying away. "Why didn't you come and talk to me Zosia? You know I'd have helped you." She studied the young doctor, wondering how she hadn't noticed something was wrong. The more she looked at Zosia, the more concerned she became. It was as though all life had left her, her eyes which were once full of excitement were dead, and she was very thin. God, was she thin. "Zosia, when was the last time you ate something?"

**A/N (again…): I'd also like to say, I'm not actually that sure where the first paragraph came from in this chapter, it was supposed to be quite serious, but as soon as I thought of this, it just wouldn't leave me alone. XD**

**A/N (yes, another one! XD): Thank you to all my followers and reviewers, you really do motivate me to keep writing. :D Cyber cookies for all of you! XD**


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